so im having a really bad body image day and im home alone tonight… thats means dinner is all in my hands, im kind of scared either way im gonna be upset.. if i have dinner, the voices will scream and if i dont ill be upset in myself for failing at recovery. decisions :/ 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSW2uqzhl6g

I keep my head up, looking for a sign 
Something to tell me that I’ll be fine 
Why do I have to do this on my own 
I am surrounded but I feel so alone 

ugh its one of these nights -.-

i also found out that my cousin has bulimia and is going into treatment for 4 months..it kind of mad me realize i don’t see myself as ‘sick’ i don’t feel like i feel like i’m sick enough to be diagnosed with anorexia. i haven’t been to treatment or hospital, i don’t get people saying i look ‘sick’. 

Thinking of deleting my tumblr

so in class today my teacher was talking about how if your overweight t doesnt always mean that your unfit and then she started saying that if your skinny your not always fit, and then started talking about eating disorders.. here’s me slowly sinking down on my seat. my heart was pounding and everything she was saying sounded like she was talking about me (even tho she doesn’t know). but just the word “eating disorders” when it came out of her mouth i was like what ? huh? who said that ? . OH and also … (same class) i sit at a desk of five (me,my two friends, and my two guy friends) on of my friends also has an eating disorder and the other one doesn’t ALTHOUGH the one that doesn’t said to me and (lets call her t) T that shes lost heaps of weight since the start of the year, and said that she weighed —kg at the beginning of the year and now weighs —kg and me and T were like :O and T was like how did you do that and she just like oh i stopped eating, and so we gave her a big lecture on how it’s not good for you . (if only we could take our own advice ). But man we she said that i was like omg so triggered right now i need to loose weight to beat her and then i was like hey you know what anorexia. I’m not gonna let you beat me up because a friend of mine is also suffering from you too . so you know what i’m not letting you destroy me even more anorexia. BYE# BYE (;

yuck! just had dinner and i feel like a whale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so mum cooked an egg (and other food) and the egg wasnt cooked properly so i got angry and then she got angry and i went to cook it more and i dropped it on the bench and then she got more angry and ugh i just hate all this .!!!!! im feeling disgusitng and honestly right now i want to purge (tho i have never before ) i was literally crying inside the whole way through dinner. i hate this i hate feeling this way, i just want to be free.

i’m such a failure to myself, friends, family, recovery everything. i just wish everything was a whole lot easier. i wish people could be me for 1 day just 1 day and see what its like and then maybe the’ll understand